Please post it for me I need advice.

When I was a teenager and a virgin I used to date alot but I was scared of sex because of pregnancy and other stuff so I promised myself to keep my virginity till I am married but things didn’t go as planned. All the guys I dated back then got angry when I refused to give them sex and that led to many break ups so I asked myself why. So I met this guy who told me that he loved me and stuff. The truth is I never liked him so I didn’t take him seriously but this guy kept persuading and chasing me everywhere.

So I decided to give him a chance. This guy and I started dating and he would always ask for sex. I was a virgin so I asked him to wait. During the pandemic, things became hard for me. I had no food to eat, no money nothing on me at all and my family was starving. May God forgive me but I was ready to do anything to support myself and my family so I went to this guy who claimed he loved me. After having sex and everything, this guy said he wanted second round. I was shocked cuz it was my first time and you want to kill me.

So I refused. This guy started to beat me hm after he threw me out of the house in the middle of the night I walked home bruised and crying. The money too I didn’t get it. This guy would call me and insult me and say all sorts of painful things to me after taking my virginity. I promised God that I will never love or give my heart to any man ever again. When it happened, I almost kill myself.

I’m only human and I fell in love again. I didn’t know that this one is from frying pan to fire hm this guy seemed cool so I was like then he’s a good man. After we had sex, his behavior changed. This guy won’t pick my calls to the extent of blocking me and I don’t know what I did too, hmmm I thought I have found someone who loved me but this one too hmm I have been crying and heart broken because he didn’t have mercy on me in the bedroom at all he really fucked me and I felt the pains for 3 days. It really hurt me cuz I gave him all my heart.

My mom has been very concerned. She said I cry in my sleep and say things like is this the love you promised me and do I deserve this? but I don’t want to tell her cuz she told me to forget men after my first encounter but I am human now I don’t know what to do when I sleep I dream of everything I wake up crying,I keep remembering the things he told me the lies, all the lies he told me,but I still think about him please how do I forget him for good and move on with my life?

I can’t live like this anymore. One of my friends said maybe I have spiritual marriage that is why this happens but I don’t dream that someone is having sex with me and I have a pastor friend if it was that why hasn’t he seen or said it?
Please don’t judge me but poverty and loneliness can make you do the unthinkable. It is poverty that is the root of all evil. If I was born in a rich family, will I loose my virginity because of hunger? hmmm

I hate myself already
Please post it for me